The Art of Starting - A Perfectionist's Nightmare

 

I'm someone who struggles to start.  Going from zero to anything is a struggle, a complete unknown.  Sometimes I have this idea of "let's cook a new recipe" and I get so overwhelmed at what recipe to choose, how hard will it be to make, how many ingredients will it take, will I like what I make, that in the end I end up doing nothing and making the same old same old.

Over the years I've gotten much better at letting myself just try without expectation.  This all started when I wanted a hobby that was a sport and I'm terrible at sports!  One day it just clicked and I thought "I'd rather be really bad at a sport and learn than not know a sport at all".  So I signed up for a tennis class, I wasn't as bad as I thought but I wasn't great.  Really the lesson was just to try tennis.

All these years later, trying a new sport or new recipe isn't easier, maybe I'm just out of practice.  I have such a fear of the unknown, not even of failure of judgement but simply, the unknown.  For me I always assume the unknown is scary and bad.  I've done a lot of self reflection on this and it's because I think I'm going to be hurt.  It's crazy that my thoughts automatically go to being hurt.

Why do I bring all this up - starting new projects?  Well, I find myself in this really beautiful place in life.  I owned my own bookkeeping business for over 10 years and it took me on some really wonderful journeys where I met wonderful people, and got to work on some very cool projects.  I always had about 6 or 7 completely different projects going at the same time and I thrived.  Always up to something big.

However, as much as I loved the projects, the hustle of an entrepreneurs life just isn't for me.  I ended up getting a job as an employee which I'm doing right now and I love it!  I wouldn't change it for the world.  For the first time since I can remember, I find myself with so much time on my hands.  Time that I no longer have to hustle for.  I have such a bucket list of items I want to do - learn how to pickle veggies, pottery, decorate my house, read more, work on my blog and it's like there are too many options that I don't know what to pick.  In theory, it's easy to say pick one but in reality, I want to just be good at all of them immediately.

I have this habit of turning everything I enjoy into a job.  You know the saying, "if you love what you do, you never have to work a day in your life"?  Well, that's what I do with my hobbies, and what actually happens is that it feels like I stop having hobbies and instead, have projects to complete that add to my plate.  The simple joy of distracting myself or doing something purely for the pleasure of it, stops.

Take this writing for example, my first thought was "how do I get ads, who will see these posts, what's my SEO", all before I wrote a word.  I was turning my love of writing into a job.  That's what I tend to do with most of my life.

In this new phase of life, I'm working on enjoyment for the sake of enjoyment.  What will be will be.  Would it be a bonus if I could make passive income, yes, is it a potential goal of mine, yes, but it's not the purpose.  I'm prioritizing the perks of the hobby over the hobby itself.

What if I re-write my destiny and let the unknown surprise me and bring me cool exciting things like it's done in the past.  Maybe some of the unknowns might not be pleasant but for all the ones that are, maybe it's worth it.

Here's to all the botched recipes, lopsided pots, fulfilling articles, new adventures and everything else the unknown will bring me.